'One Leg Too Few' (1989) -classics
From 'The Secret Policeman's Biggest Ball' in 1989. -25 years on the show
Peter Cook: [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.
[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg -- the left one -- tucked under the coat - he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]Peter Cook: Nice to see you.
Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.
Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?
Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.
Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.
Dudley Moore: Right.
Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.
Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.
Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?
Dudley Moore: Yes.
Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man.
Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?
Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.
Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.
Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.
Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.
Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.
Dudley Moore: Yes, right.
Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.
Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.
Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role.
Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.
Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley Moore: The leg division?
Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the role!"
Dudley Moore: Ah!
Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg.
Dudley Moore: Ah!
Peter Cook: The trouble is -- neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.
Dudley Moore: You mean it's inadequate?
Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.
Dudley Moore: Mm.
Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...
Dudley Moore: No?
Peter Cook: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane."
Dudley Moore: No. No, right.
Peter Cook: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.
Dudley Moore: Well, I've got twice as many.
Peter Cook: You're streets ahead!
Dudley Moore: So there's still hope?
Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.
Dudley Moore: Ah!
Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.
Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.
[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]Peter Cook: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.
Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!
Peter Cook: But you must understand ... these days. We've so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can't afford...
[ Moore exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.] -scripts
From "Beyond the Fringe," -best audio
their complete 1964 gala farewell performance
... and for Christmas, watch this (it was 11 years before Life of Brian!)
|M:||Let me introduce myself Arthur. My name is Matthew. Jolly good. Let me explain, Arthur, we are doing an in-depth profile of Jesus.|
|S:||Er, which newspaper do you work for?|
|M:||I work for The Bethlehem Star.|