Chapter
1. The confesion
When I was 7,
I harbored a
rather unusual obsession.
Deep in the
night when my parents both slept,
I would
creep to the kitchen ...
find
bottles,
and neckin the sauces, the syrups
Oh, how I loved it!
Sneaking supplies
from the back of the cupboard.
A conquerer, plunderer, condiment pillager.
My favorite
thing to drink...
it was vinegar.
And
glug, glug, glug, glug, I would
secretly
chug upon each of those bottles.
Guzzle them
up. Yes.
Cooking oil
was nasty, Tabasco was rough,
but these
were experiments and
I wasn't fuss and
with each one I sampled
I felt a bit
braver, a little bit bolder.
As I nicked them
all down
but really my eye was
on
something much greater :
a bottle that
shimmered brighter... and pinker.
The liquid
within was so vibrant ... and loud.
What I
wanted was sat
far off from the kitchen
the
sweetest of visions, ...
it was my dad's
mouthwash.
01:23 Chapter 2. Desire
oh how it
sat there
so shiny so
pink from high on its throne
looking
down on the sink each night I
would brush
on my teeth and I'd wonder
what does
it taste like and asking my
mother if
tonight was the night that I
could try
some she'd shake her head
saying oh
you're still much too young
now knowing
the things I had secretly
drunk all
these rules and concern seemed
a little
bit dumb oh it's only for
adults
mouthwash is dangerous and look
how my
father he'd carefully take it all
measured
out in some small little cap I would certainly
swig on it
braver than that so one fine
night I
headed to bed excited elated
already
quite proud because tonight
was the
night I would do something great
tonight was
the night I was drinking
that
mouthwash
02:22 Chapter 3. Action
I had a
small nap early that evening so
wide awake
and my parents both sleeping
I crept out
of bed I crept to the door I
crept to
the bathroom looked up and saw
that bottle
oh goodness
how brightly it Shawn as
bright as
the fleece that the argonauts
one and the
moon high above me not
making a
sound I climbed on the sink and
pulling it
down I stood with it held in
both of my
hands this was my moment this
was my
chance i undid the lid and
tilting it
up I went glug glug glug ride
it hurt and
it stung
03:05 Chapter 4. Failure
and I
yelped and
gassed as
if in slow motion the bottle
it dropped
and lashings of potion in
great
whopping arks flew out I stood
stunned the
bottle then hitting the
floor with
a dunk and I dropped down to her tripping hands that were shaken I grabbed for
the bottle held it dismayed
it was
practically empty down to the
dregs most
of it soaked in the bath mat instead and my throat it was stinging my
eyes were
now brimming with tears when
they found
out I knew they'd be livid
because
when I was a child if he did something rotten the punishment was that
you got a
smacked bottom and I didn't
want one I
wiped both my eyes and I
tried to
get what I could back up inside
but there
wasn't much more than some drops to be found so I picked up the bat
mat began
squeezing it out but now there
was just
some grey bits therefore in the bottle there wasn't much there what there was
and looked awful
again the
tears came and I thought of my dad and the imminent burn on my bum of that
smack I was really in trouble I was
out for the
count but what if somehow
I could
make a new mouthwash it just replaced what was lost with the same pinkish glow
I could balance it back my
dad
wouldn't know I look around the bathroom surveying the bottles and
things of
course this is doable I'll
take some
of these things and I'll mix
them
together who knows perhaps I could make something that tastes even better
04:47 Chapter 5. The solution
so first
off I took toothpaste
you know
it's minty it's fresh it goes
in your
mouth I picked up the tube began squeezing it out then I added some water
measured
and thorough eye drops for texture
cow poll
for color then I moved on to
the rest of
the bathroom it got a bit
weird that
added some shampoo and some shower gel - it wasn't like it was
planned I
really regretted the bit of
bubble bath
because it was now really bubbly and it still wasn't complete so with things
looking drastic I added some
bleach and
now if I'm honest it didn't
look right
there were great big yellow
blobs and
even the pink bits looked a
bit odd but
I found if I took it and
shook it
together it looked kind of
alright for
a couple of seconds so I
shook it
and balanced it turned and I
scuttled on
back to my bed I hid under the covers and for hours that night I lay awake in
my bed knowing that when my dad drinks it he'll drop down dead and
knowing the
trouble I'd be in for owning
up my head
in this work I just wasn't
sure which
of those two things was worse
so I lay
there and cried and I shivered
and bored
until suddenly it was sunlight
I woke up
all sprawled on the floor and
I turned
and looked on with dread
my parents
were stood at the end of the be
06:19 Chapter 6. Punishment
ma have you done something? my father
then asked I could see the bottle held
tight in his grasp it was now sort of
green with these yellow blobs - so I
cried out I'm sorry dad I think I've
just murdered you you've done what my
dad said I've killed you I babbled they
looked at me looking really quite
baffled you've not killed him my mum
said don't be ridiculous this looks like
some kind of poison no way that he's
drinking it there there it's all right
there's no need to panic just tell us
what happened
they were both understanding and they
were both really kind and they gave me a
hug and they said that they thought I'd
been punished enough so I saved up my
pocket money and I paid for a
replacement my bottom when unsnapped
I'd somehow escaped it reborn and
forgiven a
true prodigal son and I only ever stole
condiments from that morning on.